Appeal to readers
'Sonia' , a freelance journalist, is anxious to discover if the extreme symptoms she has suffered have been experienced by others
“Sonia (not her real name) is a freelance journalist. She would love to hear from anyone comfortable sharing their experience – anonymously or otherwise - of how PMS led them to self-harm, hurt a loved one or attempt suicide. She’s never read a newspaper/magazine story about the terrifying loss of control that she experienced, but knows she can’t be alone and would like to raise awareness.
Contact 'Sonia' on contact@pms.org.uk
Sonia’s story
I still can’t understand why I thought slashing my arm open was a good way to get my husband off the telephone. It was 23rd December 2008 and we’d just returned from honeymoon in Paris. I didn’t get on with my in-laws so my new husband decided to do something different for Christmas. The minute our Eurostar pulled into London, his sister started calling him and demanding he changed his plans.
My PMS exhausts me. For about a week every month, I feel I’ve been awake all night. Sometimes, I’ll go to sleep at 7pm and wake up 14 hours later. Travelling from Paris to London had shattered me. When we got back to our one-bedroom flat, all I could think about was sleeping. I became increasingly angry because the row between my husband and his sister was keeping me awake.
At the time, it seemed entirely reasonable to attract his attention by hurting myself. I was so enraged, I didn’t care how much damage I did. I picked up a Swiss Army knife and gashed the back of my wrist. It didn’t hurt, but I remember feeling this gristly feeling and then something hard under the blade. There was blood everywhere and my flesh was gaping open. I was so exhausted, I didn’t want to go to A&E that night. So my husband bandaged my arm and I fell asleep.
During the night, my period started. The next morning, I was confused, shocked and frightened. I had no idea why I’d done it. I couldn’t explain it to my husband or promise him I wouldn’t do it again. My husband kept questioning whether our marriage was over almost before it had started. He didn’t know whether he could live with a woman capable of seriously harming herself. When we went to A&E, I had four stitches. I lied to the hospital about what had happened – I said I had an accident while making Christmas decorations.
I’ve never done anything that dramatic before or since, but the two days before my period have been a nightmare since my teens. I’m now 29. During the week before I start, I tend to have a low mood, anxiety, impatience, difficulty concentrating, short temper, craving for carbs, exhaustion – the usual. However, I used to know when I was a day or two from starting, because I had violent mood swings and disordered thinking.
I would sometimes spend 24 hours crying almost continuously, only falling asleep when the blood flow started. Occasionally, I would spend the night walking about weeping and scratching my arms with nail scissors to punish myself, while thinking about different ways to commit suicide. When we lived in a third-floor flat, I would sit on the balcony imagining flinging myself off. Alternatively, I would become convinced my (now) husband was cheating on me and would text him abusive messages, ring him in hysterics or just lock him out the flat. A day later, I would start my period and return to my normal self.
This is all in the past tense – cross my fingers - because I was so frightened by the self-harming incident that I finally decided to do something. I was terrified I would eventually hurt my husband, our dog or me so badly that I wouldn’t be able to conceal it. I was also afraid I’d make an inexplicable suicide attempt and might succeed. It is horrifying to realise you have a Jekyll and Hyde-like condition where your dark side might kill or maim you.
People can be blasé about their personal safety and I’m no exception. So I’ve never been to the doctors because I don’t want the stigma of a mental illness in my medical records. Instead, I decided to try agnus castus. It seems to have worked for me. I still have PMS, but it’s at a level I can live with long-term. I no longer contemplate suicide before my period and haven’t self-harmed for a year. It’s not a cure, but I’m lucky I’ve found some kind of solution.
