Battling against PMS
9 Nov 2006
One of our members shares her story of how she is living and coping with PMS.
My name is Lorna Clark and I am a 31 year old Mental Health nurse currently serving in the Royal Navy. I have suffered with PMS for fifteen years. I always felt I did not fit in. I joined the RN and went to sea, but was tired all the time, irritable, and didn't understand why I could not fit in as it was what I had always wanted to do. I remember being very scared and lonely, spending half my time apologising for being horrible to live with. It was embarrassing, confusing and I felt hopeless. I found myself thinking about all the bad things I had done to deserve this way of life.
People were scared to come near me. I was scared to make new friends or let people too close and began to drink. I was fun to be with when drunk until I started becoming increasingly more aggressive each time I drank.
A damaging cycle
A cycle began, I cried, I drank, I cried, I screamed, I was evil. Not surprisingly, this cost me two loving relationships and I lost respect for myself. I changed my job, thinking that it was the environment which was not helping and managed 'just' to complete my nurse training. I began to realise there was a pattern with the behaviour only happening for two weeks out of every month, but I did not have the resources to deal with it or recognise it as PMS. Everyone else said that I was suffering from depression.
Two years ago I fell in love with a fantastic man. I told him all about my difficulties and about my past psychiatric history, but he didn't care. I had to give in to my pride and accept that I was unwell.
Unfortunately, I reached a stage once again where I was constantly tired. I began struggling at work, couldn’t sleep, had violent and aggressive mood swings and did not eat. I finally saw my GP and also discovered NAPS.
Everything settled down for a month or two then the old feelings returned and I was now struggling with the fact that I felt low for three weeks out of the month and the only time I was OK was when I had a period. I used to live for the day it came; I would feel elated and full of energy, and could make plans. I began to make lots of meals and freeze them – I had begun to prepare for those weeks I was ill. Then the cloud would come again and I would not be able to eat anything. I would be nasty to my gorgeous boyfriend, I would isolate myself from my friends, feel sick and lash out. I would sit in the dark curled in a ball and cry. I wanted to die, I felt awful for burdening my family my boyfriend and my friends, and was letting colleagues down at work by not being there.
We tried the usual OCP treatments despite me telling my GP I had tried everything. By now I was desperate, became very depressed and felt suicidal most days. Again I was referred to a psychiatrist but this time I was also referred to a Gynaecologist. We tried the same treatment plan again, kava kava, Evening primrose oil, relaxation techniques, St Johns Wart, exercise, diet, I had to keep a diary for three months AGAIN!!! Meanwhile I was seeing the psychiatrist and also trying every form of counselling I could but nothing seemed to work. Eventually I was put on anti-depressants, with a safety mechanism of a bed at a psychiatric hospital if I needed it. This, together with advice from NAPS was how I survived the worst days.
Taking things slowly
For a while I stopped working completely. The gynaecologist started me on Zolodex, an implant which basically induces menopause and I now take Premarin as HRT. I am also taking an anti-depressant every day and am not scared any more. I see a psychiatrist every couple of months and also have fortnightly sessions with a cognitive behavioural specialist who is helping me to re-learn positive thinking. After eight months off, I returned to work and have been back full time for two months. Life is so much better, I have more good days than bad now and am more able to be realistic. I have a life!!!
It has been a long and difficult journey and I accept that this will be on-going until I have a natural menopause. I recognise when the bad days are coming and I am prepared for them, it does not control me anymore. My boyfriend and I have an understanding and although we still struggle sometimes with the ghosts of last year, day by day we live our lives. I can actually have the confidence to arrange a night out, one drink and feel proud of what I have achieved.
I have plans to leave the Royal Navy and be kinder to myself. NAPS has been fantastic just by being in existence. I now look at this as my lesson for this lifetime. I still have difficult moments and am fearful of it returning. But allow myself my duvet days and don't feel guilty. I have turned it into something positive.
