Battle with a raging monster within
8 Jan 2007
NAPS member, Sue Scarlett shares the powerful story of her battle to combat the raging monster she became each month.
I am presently 37, have travelled the world twice, worked as a sports centre manager, a care worker and am now a trainee solicitor after deciding to study for a Law degree as a mature student.
My symptoms started getting really bad when I was 27, but I just thought it was the relationship I was in that was making me feel weepy, anxious and generally very sensitive at certain times. A dark shadow used to appear over me for days upon end and I did not know what it was.
It all reached a head after I met my new partner four and a half years ago. I had just started a law degree, was at my largest weight ever and although we were and still are madly in love we had a lot of stress financially in the beginning.
I noticed that for half the month I could cope with the stress and was a happy go lucky, very strong, full of fun character, but then the other half of the month I was extremely insecure and could not even face going to Uni some days as I could not face the world.
My partner is the most loving, considerate person I know, but I found myself flying into completely irrational rages for hours about something really minor.
Finally, this reached a peak. I booked a caravan, packed a bag and decided to run away until I was back to my normal self. My family discovered where I was staying and about five hours later came to find me and take me home.
Research
My partner realized that something was taking me far away from myself each month and started to research, suspecting it was connected with my menstrual cycle.
He joined NAPS for me and I read the different stories. It was a complete God send, as I realised I was not alone and we discovered severe Premenstrual dysphoric disorder(PMDD) which meant that I have the symptoms for up to two weeks rather than a few days. Each story was like my own, weeping mess, insecure, could not function with every day tasks, tired , lethargic, anxious, no self worth.....comfort eating etc.
NAPS suggested I kept a diary and reading this highlighted that all the symptoms happened two weeks before my period started. When my period arrived it was like I had been given me back.
From bad to worse
We discovered a PMDD specialist who confirmed my symptoms. Momentarily it was like a weight had been lifted. But my elation was short lived. I was prescribed both oestrogen patches and progesterone tablets, rather than trying to determine where my imbalance lay. This just exasperated all my symptoms - my rage intensified, I was crying all day long and I just could not go out of the house. Sadly I had to wait three months for my next appointment.
The doctor decided this reaction was because the patches had kept falling off and that not only did I need oestrogen and progesterone, I also needed a testosterone implant that would last for six months.
The result was I nearly committed suicide. I become such a raging monster. The testosterone made me really feisty and it was like I had permanent road rage, shouting at people, driving fast, behaving aggressively.
One day my partner and I were driving somewhere and as well as shouting at everyone on the road I was shouting at him for over an hour at the top of my voice. My head felt like it was going to burst and I pulled the car over and punched the dashboard so hard so many times I bruised all my knuckles. I shouted I had had enough and I wanted to open the door and throw myself in front of a car. (I had already contemplated ending it by throwing myself off our flat balcony.)
He managed to get me home and calm me down although I could not stop crying. We decided that whatever the doctor was prescribing was not helping and we should seek other remedies.
Diet and supplements
We researched and discovered that eating carbohydrates every two and a half hours can help balance moods as it helps with the production of serotonin , we also discovered that B12 is a massive pacifier and a vitamin that keeps your nervous system balanced. ( I take 4000 mg every day - as I am also vegetarian) .
I also went to my local GP and asked him for some mild anti depressants to give me a stronger foundation to fight this disorder. I stayed away from alcohol, pushed myself to do exercise, ( gentle walks) made sure I protected my sleep so I got a minimum of eight hours, took a multi vitamin and life began to improve.
It was a cocktail of self help I had pieced together from the NAPS website and the net generally.
That was three years ago now and despite still having a weight problem, I have managed to reclaim most of my life. I do still have severe PMS at times but generally only for about five days, and nowhere near as severe as previously.
I do not rage anymore, I do feel insecure and weepy but manage to contain this. I have now finished my law degree, have a job as a trainee solicitor and am studying my law practice certificate at the same time. My partner and I are also getting married this year. He has shown me what love really means. Thank God for NAPS, or I would not be here now!
