Grateful to have the chance of a new life
NAPS received this story from a member who took the drastic step of having a hysterectomy as the only way of eliminating her severe PMS/PMDD. It was also a very brave decision as she knew that it would also mean that she would not be able to have children. Many readers will understand the reasons she gives for making that choice.
I am 35 years old and have just had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed after suffering from PMDD for 24 years. Before I say a little more about my experience, I just wanted to offer some praise to NAPS and especially to Donna who helped me to reach the decision to have the operation, despite my not having any children. The success stories on NAPS not only gave me tremendous comfort and hope, but also helped me to feel less alone in the past couple of years. I wish I had known the site was there sooner.
I developed difficulties when I was 12 years old. No-one knew then what the problem was and I was diagnosed with everything from manic depression to having a personality disorder. It was the start of a journey that meant that psychologists, psychiatrists and medication for mental illness became a regular feature in my life. By fourteen years of age, I was becoming suicidal almost every month and by the end of 1988, had made three attempts to take my own life. The symptoms lifted as soon as I took my periods. As well as the rapid descent into depression (if it can be called that), I suffered heavy bleeding, cramp, migraines, unbearably painful breasts, changes in appetite to the extreme, became highly irritable, over sensitive and the problem was affecting my relationships with.....well everyone really. I was almost admitted to a psychiatric hospital on two occasions. By sixteen my mum had noticed that there was an almost monthly pattern to my becoming ill and tried to convince the doctor that it may be to do with my cycle, but to no avail. Life continued in this truly horrendous manner for the next ten years, during which time I made at least another three attempts on my life by overdosing and developed a tendency to self harm as a result of the deep seated self-hatred I felt for being ‘faulty and weak.’
It wasn’t until I moved to another area with work that I first met a GP who identified that it may be hormones that were causing the problems. I started keeping charts, which was hard as sometimes I would have two periods in six weeks and never be free of symptoms and other times periods would be 8 weeks apart and I would suffer for four of those 8 weeks, One thing was always obvious to me though – I would always take my periods after reaching the very depths of despair and was left wondering what on earth had just happened to me because everything had returned to normal so fast! I often felt very foolish and embarrassed. The GP was wonderful and I was started on the Mirena which did work, but only for a few months and then my periods would come back. I was tried on various anti-depressants which didn’t work for me – although I do know that they make a huge difference to the lives of other women. I was also referred to a Gynaecologist. They were reluctant to perform any operation on me at the age of 26/27 because of the issue of children. At least now though, I had a diagnosis of severe PMS. The GP explained that this was most likely to have been the cause of my problems from such a young age.
After I turned 30, things got progressively worse. I was suffering from migraines almost from the point of ovulation until menstruation, I was vomiting, couldn’t get myself out of bed, had poor coordination, including speech, went up 1 – 2 dress sizes because of fluid retention and worse of all, felt as if I had totally lost my marbles to paranoia, self loathing, hyper sensitivity and dreadful depression. I could, as my mother used to say – start a fight in an empty house. I hated myself and what it was doing to the people I cared about. To make matters worse, some horrendous events in my life cause me to suffer stress to the extent I developed clinical depression, so for the first time I actually was suffering from a diagnosed mental illness as well as trying to cope with PMDD. I was no longer able to cope.
The turning point came when I again tried to take my own life, this time trying to ensure that my attempt would be more successful. However my husband, who knew my cycle well enough to know when he needed to keep a close eye on me, intervened in time. This was the beginning of my recovery.
I remained on the drug for almost two years before finally undergoing surgery 7 days ago. I have gone from being virtually incapacitated for 50% of my life physically and mentally to...well it’s hard to describe because I still feel so lucky to have the chance to live a normal life – even two years after my first injection – the relief still brings me to tears! I still have my menstrual chart to remind me of how far I have come.
I don’t think about not having children as I could not have been a good mother as I was before anyway. My husband would have loved a little one but accepted that for me, there was no real choice. Seven days after the operation – I feel physically tender but full of hope for the future. There is no doubt in my mind that I have done the right thing. Part of my ability to cope has been down to NAPS. I cried and cried when I first read the stories of other women out there – just like me. I finally realised for the first time that I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t alone.
My story is probably quite extreme and the road that each of us will follow to recovery will be different, but all of us deserve the chance to recover and all the help and support we can find. You are not alone and never – ever give up. x
